August 17th, 2017
The days that are joyful are so few.
My former self belittled down to a ghost.
I dread every waking hour,
Begging for sleep knowing it won't come.
I reluctantly settle into my doleful home.
I resign to the fact that I am alone and will be for a long time.
August 17th, 2017
I have reached a new level of loneliness.
I never knew one could experience this.
Never knew it was possible.
I try. I really do try to socialize.
They all fade away.
I have too many problems.
I'm always forgotten.
I'm lucky if I am an afterthought.
August 17th, 2017
I am ignored.
No one is there when I need someone, anyone, the most.
I am continuously let down.
I suffocate on all of the ill thoughts that cross my mind.
Those wicked thoughts that cross someone's mind only when they are alone with themselves for too long of a time.
Ones that bombard me with all of my flaws and imperfections.
Ones that tell me how I will never be loved or accepted because of them.
August 17th, 2017
Those thoughts often lead to bad decisions.
Decisions that harm me at my own expense.
I feel nothing and everything.
Yet, my emotions are so strong I can't decipher them.
They overwhelm me and I cannot focus.
I need to feel something I know is real. Anything!
So I slice open my flesh in hopes of finding something more.
False hope that is.
All I find is unsatisfaction and shame.
I'm a disgrace.
August 17th, 2017
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
Am I insane?
It's hard to tell when I can't see how I can change.
I'm stuck in a rut.
Some sort of twisted tunnel vision.
August 17th, 2017
On this day the realization of how much I hate myself is profound.
For a long time I fooled myself into thinking I was okay.
When the truth is I am not at all.
Besides the vicious words supposed loved ones have spewn unto me,
there is also society that tells you that you aren't worthy if you are a certain way.
August 17th, 2017
I realize this is a very depressing poem,
but realize that the author is a very depressed person.
It's fitting in a sense.
It's becoming harder and harder with each passing day to hide it from people.
They notice I'm not carefree or happy as I once was.
I have dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights.
Also from the nightmares that come like clockwork and burden me with past traumas.
My lack of eating, or, when I do eat I go to the bathroom and come back with blood rushed to my cheeks from regurgitating.
They notice how it is hard for me to keep a sentence on the right path.
I stumble over words. I forget them.
They notice how weak I have become. It is hard to open a water bottle.
August 17th, 2017
My life has by no means been easy or even that good.
Though, I do have to say all that I have been through:
Abuse of all kinds, starvation, homelessness, torment, and some life threatening, unfortunate circumstances;
The torment inside my head is much worse than the actual physical situations were.
The mental scars that traumas in my life have left on me are much worse than enduring the actual traumas.
I can't run from my own mind.
And it is too overwhelming to even try to actually talk about them and solve some issues.
I act as if they are no big deal.
When in fact they are the one thing that keeps happiness just out of my reach.
Doubt, pain, anxiety, panic, guilt, resentment, hate, and anger.
August 17th, 2017
I am the reason for my own unhappiness,
for my mind and self are not able to forgive the ones who have harmed me.
I also am unable to forgive myself.
I am the reason I am being held captive in my own mind.
And I hate myself for it.
August 17th, 2017
